Her Look Of Pain
by Ein Kampf kann eine Lebenszeit
Summary: Jasper knows his boundaries as a Cullen, mainly keeping Bella alive. When he realizes that he can't live with the danger of pushing that boundary daily, he takes a path he wished he would never have to walk on. Will he be able to leave Alice broken?
1. Chapter 1

**I personally really like this one. Reviews please?**

"Don't worry. You'll do fine, I promise you," Alice whispered in my ear as she, Edward and Esme got reading to go hunting. I was still nervous. Alice usually stayed with Bella while the family hunted, but, because of miscommunication, I would stay at the house with Bella, Emmett, and Rosalie while Carlisle pulled a triple shift at the hospital. My main fear was Bella. With Alice around, I was in perfectly good condition. She was my reason for staying with the Cullen's, for pushing myself to maintain this diet I once thought was impossible to attain.

"How are you so sure? What if something changes and I can't stop myself?" I hated voicing my fears aloud, but it was only Alice and me, and that made it more bearable.

"If anything changes, Emmett will help you, and Rose will protect Bella," Alice said. Apparently she had planned this out well, as she always did when situations like these arose.

"Be safe," I told her. I had already delayed them thirty minutes, though I'm sure Bella was having a similar conversation with Edward. She reached up and planted a soft kiss on my lips and wrapped her arms around my waist.

"You worry too much," she teased. I lightly kissed the top of her head. I heard Esme calling them.

"You had better get going, she sounds hungry," I said, hearing the smile in my voice. She exited our room and gave one final wave good bye before closing the door. No one knew where they were going, so it was a shock to me when I heard the purr of Alice's car start. This would be a long weekend.

I closed my eyes and sat on the loveseat we had in our room. Alice, being herself, had to have all the commodities of a human bedroom; the bed, the couch, the loveseat, the vanity mirror, the walk in closet. It was straight from a magazine. Any teenage girl would envy this room.

There was a soft knock on my door, and with the heartbeat, it could only be one person. I answered it, stepping back from the door as soon as I knew it would swing open on its own. Bella's head was down and her hands were intertwined with each other and the nervousness was almost suffocating.

I didn't say anything. I didn't want to make her more uncomfortable than she already was. She looked up after what seemed a lifetime, and opened her mouth only to close it. She repeated that four times before she said anything.

"Edward wanted me to ask you if there was anything I could do to make you feel more comfortable this weekend," she blurted out. Her cheeks were red, almost inviting, but Alice's words kept me in check.

"I'll be fine, thank you for the consideration," I said kindly. The relief coming off this girl started the moment I said the first syllable. Her shoulders relaxed and she gave a brief smile before turning to go downstairs. I closed the door and returned to my seat, trying to block out everyone's emotions. Rosalie and Emmett were not helping from their room, and I was thankful Alice had the mind to stock our kitchen with food because Bella's hunger was almost suffocating.

Most of Bella's emotions were suffocating to me. It had been like that when Alice and I had first moved in with the Cullen's. I had always thought that their being vampires made their emotions more powerful, but now that it was the same way with Bella, and perhaps even stronger, I questioned whether or not I had simply become used to their feelings. Carlisle had always made comments about how complex my power could be, but I, personally, had never given much thought to it. He had also pointed out that it made my power all the more enticing for the Volturi simply because of the fact that Bella was immune to most of their powers.

At times, it was frustrating. The longer Edward prolonged Bella's human existence, the more and more visits we would have from them. Edward, Alice and I were personally tired of their constant begging for us to join them. Edward was always torn when he and Bella discussed it though. He loved her, more than he'd ever loved anyone in his time being a vampire, and he wanted her to be happy. He only ever knew his lonely existence as a vampire, and didn't want that for Bella. He didn't like Carlisle after he learned what happened, and what he was, which was understandable. But what Edward didn't fully understand was that Bella would have him, and that her transformation would be so much better with him helping her through it than his own transformation was.

I heard Rose's giggle from across the hall. I never liked hearing her giggle, not only because she only giggled in certain situations, but it also made me feel uncomfortable when Alice wasn't around. It was no secret in this town of Rose and Emmett's… private adventures. And it certainly was no secret to me. Or Edward. He was bombarded with their thoughts of each other, and I was tortured by their feelings.

Alice usually helped with that. She would start massaging my shoulders as soon as she heard Rose's giggle. Some times it would turn into more, but that was rare. I usually kept those emotions in check.

So I was stuck in this house with an inflow of hunger, lust, desire and love. Which made me regret not joining Edward, Alice and Esme. I seemed to be making poor decisions as of late.

But hopefully Carlisle would be home soon, and he would put an end to some of the unwelcome feelings. Hopefully.

Their feelings became heavier, and I decided it was time for some fresh air. And it would be good to get some distance from my two siblings. Usually, when Bella was in the house, they were pretty good at not having activities such as that, but I know realized that it was a long shot to hope that they would ever have any sort of decency in their existence.

"Shoot!" I heard Bella yell before I walked out of my room. From the waves of confusion I knew the sound had stopped Emmett and Rose's actions. I walked into the hall at the same time they did. I didn't bother looking at them to see if they knew anything, it was clear that they didn't. We were just about to go downstairs; Emmett and Rosalie were already on the third step, when the smell hit me. It took everything I had not to react badly. I could hear one voice clearly though.

"Stupid sharp object. What use does a vampire have for a knife anyway?" Bella's voice was obviously directed at someone, but who, I didn't know. Nor did I care. All I could smell, all I could see was the Bella's blood, dripping from her body. Each crimson drop inviting me closer. Each slash against the counter daring me to take a bite, wanting me to.

I slowly became aware of the fact that someone was dragging me, or carrying me, outside. The freshness of the air was clearing my head, and I felt Emmett's hands gripping my shoulders from the back.

"Brother, I understand you have difficulty with control, but when she sees you lunging after her and she doesn't flinch, that's when you know we've got to get you into some lessons," Emmett said, only half serious when he realized I wasn't going to go anywhere.

His emotions calmed me. Everyone in my family had that effect. This had happened one too many times, and it wasn't Bella's faith that I wouldn't attack her that had her so at ease, it was her faith in other's that they would stop me. It was unsettling. And with Edward becoming more and more resistant with her becoming a vampire, this might just be a regular thing, unless… I wouldn't consider that until I was forced to though.

"That was too close," I said, mainly to myself. Emmett nodded in understanding, but remained silent. "How is she?" I asked. I could only feel the two of us and wondered how far Emmett had taken me.

"She's good. I think she was expecting it this time, it wasn't as bad as her birthday," Emmett said. I loved Emmett, he was my brother after all, but he needed to learn about tact.

"You alright?" he asked when I didn't respond. I nodded my head.

"We should get back. How far away are we?" I asked. If we were far enough away then walking at human speed should make the area easier to be around.

"I think about fifteen miles," Emmett guessed. He wasn't sure of himself, he never was unless Rose was around. "But we came from that direction," he said, showing off. Well at least we weren't lost. That was an experience I wouldn't want to repeat.

We walked in the direction he pointed out and didn't say anything.

I wasn't keeping track of how long we were walking, when the sun started to set I knew we had been gone half the day. Edward, Alice and Esme had left at eleven, and it wasn't long after that when Bella had cut herself. Everything had to be clean by now, right? I think that a good eight hours was enough to remove the scent of blood.

Emmett had been very good throughout the walk, not saying anything, although I knew he had plenty of questions. Every so often, in the past thirty minutes, he would glance at me, then the sky, then sigh to himself and keep walking. I could feel his impatience to get back to his wife. He knew he didn't have to keep me company, but Emmett always felt obliged to. He was a good brother, he couldn't intrude on anything personal, or private in times like these, and it was times like these when he wanted his mine to only be his.

"Emmett, you know you can go ahead if you want, I'm sure Rose is worried," I repeated. It had been thirty minutes since I had last dismissed him, but he was insistent on saying with me.

"No, you need someone more than she does right now, she can wait," he said gruffly.

"I'm fine, really, go," I said. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I would if I had to. I had done it before, but that was an extreme case.

"Only if you're sure," he said, turning his head to look at me. I nodded, and he broke into a run immediately. Why would anyone in their right mind want to stay around a slightly depressed feeling manipulator? I quickened my pace, not at top speed, but a human would have to do a double take if they saw me.

Forty minutes later I walked in the house to find Rosalie, Emmett, Bella and Carlisle sitting in the living room. Apparently they were filling Carlisle in on what happened. I regretted not walking home like a normal human. Rose was the first to notice my appearance. She did nothing, but I felt her emotional wall go up. Emmett was next, and he did nothing. Bella was the same, I only felt tiredness coming from her, no fear, no anxiety, was she really that at ease with my earlier attempt at her life? Carlisle, however, tensed.

"When are they getting back?" I asked in a low voice. Everyone knew who I meant.

"I called Esme, and she said they were done, so they're on their way right now," Carlisle said, matching my tone. I could feel a number of emotions from him, all of them familiar. I felt disappointment, sadness, unease, and anger. He was the best actor of all my family. He looked so at ease, and yet anger was the most dominate feeling. I nodded and headed upstairs. They started talking in hushed tones again, but I didn't care to listen. I knew what I was going to do, I just had to break the news to Alice.

Two hours later I was bombarded with the feelings of three more Cullen's. They had apparently taken their time. Or they had gotten held back by something. Either way, I wasn't looking forward to what I was about to tell Alice. She came through the door in high spirits. I couldn't help but smile. She gave me a hug.

"I heard what happened, and everything's alright. Bella isn't mad. Please don't go through with it," she whispered in my ear. Apparently she had gotten a vision. At least this wouldn't be nearly as hard.

"Bella isn't mad, but you have no idea what this does to me, Alice. This has happened once before, and that time was worse. We left because of it, and I can't do it anymore. I can't risk letting who I used to be become known to everyone. Every day Edward becomes more persistent on Bella's human state, and as long as her heart still beats, I'm a hazard to both her life and Edward's happiness. I'll always be a threat, and Edward knows that, as well as Bella. I can't do that to them, Alice. I love them too much, and if I were the one to cause the look of loss in Edward's eyes for the next hundred years, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Your undying faith in me is going unrewarded. One more time is all it would take. One more time and I could kill Bella, and a part of Edward. I can't live with that hanging over my head. I can't live up to the expectations everyone wants me to," I said, not letting go of her. Not letting go of my Alice, my Alice who never once doubted me. I felt my own sadness, but it was intensified by hers. I knew what I was doing, and she knew the meaning in my words.

"But we aren't leaving this time, Jasper. This time wasn't as bad, you're getting better, can't you see that?" she asked in a shaky voice. Her hands were trembling on my chest.

"You aren't leaving," I corrected her, though it pained me. How could I be doing this to the woman I had fallen in love with? To the lady I had kept waiting for so long?

"No, you, you can't just leave me like this," she said, looking up into my eyes, hurt, betrayal and a number of other emotions were showing in her eyes. The pain coming off her was numbing when combined with my own.

"I have to," I whispered, kissing the top of her head one more time. She closed her eyes, but I left before she could open them. The look of pain on her face was too much for me to bear.

**Okay, this thought just dawned on me. I could continue this, and I have a slight idea of how I would go about doing that, but I'm not sure if I should, so as of right now, it shall remain a one-shot.**


	2. Chapter 2

_Alice_

"Don't worry, you'll do fine, I promise you," I whispered in his ear for one final time. I don't know how many times I had said it in the past thirty minutes, but he needed it, and whatever he needed, I supplied. I didn't like leaving him for a short hunting trip, but he said he would be perfectly fine staying behind. And he would be fine. Nothing would happen. I had started looking ever since we planned the trip.

"How are you so sure? What if something changes and I can't stop myself?" he asked, stupidly in my opinion. But he was scared; I didn't need any special power to notice that. It worried me yes, but he would be fine.

"If anything changes, Emmett will help you, and Rose will protect Bella," I assured him. We had been through this, and yet he was still worried. Nothing would happen, I was sure of it. I had to be.

"Be safe," he said. It felt like this should be the other way around. I was going hunting, probably the safest thing in the world for me to do, he should be the one who should be safe. Nevertheless, I stretched up to him and kissed his lips softly, putting my arms around his waist.

"You worry too much," I said, expressing all my thoughts without giving any of them away. I felt his body moving, and then his lips were on my head. He was so compassionate and caring. How I had ever found him was still a mystery to me.

I heard Esme call us, and Jasper said, "You had better get going, she sounds hungry." He was teasing, and though I couldn't see it, the smile on his face must have been beautiful. With my eyes closed I made my way to the other side of the room, and opened them when I reached the door. I waved at him before going out into the hall and closing the door. Edward was there waiting, a haunted expression on his face. I knew he wouldn't start a conversation until no one could hear us, so I just headed down the stairs, and he followed.

Esme was by my Porsche, waiting. She handed me the keys. We knew why this "miscommunication" had happened, we just didn't want the others to know about it. I wasted no time in getting away from the house. Edward wasted no time. As soon as he couldn't hear their thoughts, he started speaking.

"You hate lying to him, so why do you do it?" he asked evenly. He never raised his voice, which sometimes surprised me. I was always expecting it, but it was unexpected at the same time.

"I just want to keep him safe. I have to let him know that I believe he is strong enough. Nothing will happen today," I said strongly, knowing that – even though I longed for it to be true – I wasn't sure what was going to happen, if anything. But I had assured Jasper that nothing would happen. Perhaps it was selfish of me, lying to him with my feelings and words, but he had to know that I did believe in him. I knew that if things got bad, he would make the right choice, no matter how hard that choice was to make.

"You don't know just how hard it is," Edward whispered. Esme was in the back seat. She always silently listened to our conversations, never having input of any kind. Just a kind of support for us both.

"I know that I can never understand any of it, but he has been doing so well lately, it's hard for me not to believe he can't resist it," I said softly. Yes, I had never experienced Jasper's life, nor did I want to. I understand that it was filled with blood lust, and murder, and all things terrible in this world, but he was past that. He had to be. And Edward had experienced some of the uncontrollable urge for human blood, but he had resisted, and Jasper, who had had it so much harder than Edward, should be able to resist it as well, right?

"It isn't that simple Alice. I have been used to this lifestyle for a much longer time period than he has been. I also grew up in a different way than him, an easier way. He can't just forget what happened in his past and move on like you or Emmett did. It isn't that simple," Edward said, the calm demeanor still carried in his voice. And as much as I hated to admit it, he was right. I only nodded. I wanted him, needed him to be wrong, but I knew he wasn't. When was Edward ever wrong?

"_Shoot," Bella said as blood seeped from her finger. Jasper was there in the kitchen with her, but he was being pulled away by something, or someone. _

"I knew he wasn't going to do well," I said quietly, and Edward did nothing but put his hand on my shoulder. I pulled into the camping ground, and we got out, acting as if we were going for a hunt.

Some hours later I was still being haunted by the look on Jasper's face from my vision. I had been sitting for a short while waiting for Esme and Edward to finish. I suppose I was just more anxious than the two of them to get back home. Maybe that's why I had finished so quickly. I sat there, pondering what I should do for Jasper when I got home, when another vision struck me.

"_You aren't leaving," he said, a pained look on his face, but nothing compared to the look on my own face. _

It was so brief, so short. It couldn't be real. It couldn't be what was happening, or what he was planning. It had to be something he was just considering, but pushing away all the same. But it was so clear, it had to be his final decision. Or else it wouldn't be so clear. But why? We could get past this, we had before, and we could again. He didn't have to leave, did he?

As if by some miracle, Esme showed up at that precise moment, and Edward following closely behind her. I acted as if nothing was wrong for Esme's sake, she didn't need to know. Yet. Edward knew as soon as he was in hearing distance of my thoughts, but understood my happy appearance. We got in the car silently, and Edward drove us back, with Esme sitting in the back again.

When we reached the house, I got out calmly. I didn't want to seem as if I were anxious to see Jasper after having been separated from him for such a short time. We had spent longer periods of time apart and I had never been anxious before, so why start now?

When I got to our room I skipped in as if nothing were wrong and went to Jasper immediately. He smiled as I gave him a hug. Before he had the chance to say anything, I had to say my part first.

"I heard what happened, and everything's alright. Bella isn't mad. Please don't go through with it," I whispered. I couldn't bear to lose him, and I hoped he could feel that.

"Bella isn't mad, but you have no idea what this does to me, Alice. This has happened once before, and that time was worse. We left because of it, and I can't do it anymore. I can't risk letting who I used to be become known to everyone. Every day Edward becomes more persistent on Bella's human state, and as long as her heart still beats, I'm a hazard to both her life and Edward's happiness. I'll always be a threat, and Edward knows that, as well as Bella. I can't do that to them, Alice. I love them too much, and if I were the one to cause the look of loss in Edward's eyes for the next hundred years, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Your undying faith in me is going unrewarded. One more time is all it would take. One more time and I could kill Bella, and a part of Edward. I can't live with that hanging over my head. I can't live up to the expectations everyone wants me to," he said. He didn't let go of me, and I knew what he meant, but I had to try to keep him with me longer.

"But we aren't leaving this time, Jasper. This time wasn't as bad, you're getting better, can't you see that?" I asked. He had to see that he was getting somewhat better. He had to. My voice was trembling, and if I could cry, I surely would be doing it right now. It wasn't fair. Just because he messed up once doesn't mean he has to act so rashly. He didn't have to leave me. he can control it, I know he can, he just has to try, just try a little longer. I wanted to say all this, but the words couldn't find their way out of my mouth. My hands started to shake.

"You aren't leaving," he said, almost coldly. He still had love and compassion in his voice, but he was trying to get it to go away. He wasn't fooling anyone, and he couldn't just do this to me. He couldn't.

"No, you, you can't just leave me like this," I said. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to look at him. His eyes were already on me, and as soon as I caught his gaze I couldn't look away. I knew he could see every emotion in my eyes, and I could only imagine how he felt.

"I have to," he whispered, kissing my head. I closed my eyes. I could almost feel the non-existent tears forming in my eyes. It wasn't fair. He couldn't just leave me. He wouldn't just leave without saying he loved me. I opened my eyes, expecting him to still be there, but he wasn't. Of course. I closed my eyes again, convinced I had no more reason to open them. At least, not now.

**I decided to continue. I am having a hard time with my other Alice/Jasper story, so I decided to continue this. I don't know how long it will be, and it's not going to be planned, so I will take any suggestions. But I do have the next chapter planned. I think from here on out it will be Alice's point of view, so. Please review, I would love to hear any suggestions/comments you have. And I have a poll up on my profile, so check that out if you wish, other than that... review. **


	3. Chapter 3

I don't know how long I stood there, but it was a long time. I couldn't keep track of the time. That would only make it go more slowly, more… unbearably. In that time I had tried to convince myself that he was going to come back, that it was all just a bad dream, or lack there of. I had tried to convince myself he was joking, and he'd come walking calmly back in the room saying he was sorry and begging for forgiveness for pulling such a rude trick on me.

But none of that happened. I heard many people come and go, but none entered the room. I wasn't a violent person, and in this state, I had no idea as to why they were avoiding me. Perhaps it was because I was always the outcast in the family, along with Jasper. We were the only two not made, or created by Carlisle, and for all intensive purposes, we didn't belong there. We were accepted happily into the family, but now that Jasper was gone, I was the odd man out.

Rosalie had Emmett, Carlisle had Esme, and now even Edward had Bella. I had Jasper, and now he was gone. I don't now how Edward could have survived all those years, not having someone to be with while everyone around him was happy, and had no worries in the world. Jasper had somehow felt like my link to the Cullen family. He constantly said how I was the only thing keeping him with them, and I felt the same way entirely. I wasn't about to let him know that, but it was how I felt. Now that he was gone, what business did I have here?

No. I belonged here. I was part of this family. Carlisle and Edward had both said this many times. Yes, I was made by a doctor in a mental hospital in nineteen-eighteen, and yes, I had wondered around aimlessly for years before I met Jasper, but _I_ had found the Cullen's. _I_ had come in, put Edward's belongings in the garage and taken his room for my own. _I _had acted as if I were part of the family from day one. Carlisle didn't mind that, and neither did Esme. In fact they loved it. They never once had to tell Jasper and I how to behave, and that left them more time to themselves, which everyone in the family had enjoyed.

They were all wary of us at first. Newcomers trying to live off this vegetarian lifestyle on our own with no support. Short little girl acting like she knew everyone already, tall blond guy with an obviously hard upbringing as a vampire. They had reason to be wary. They didn't know anything about us, but as time grew on, we formed cement (or so I'd thought) relationships with them, some more than others. Rosalie had always traveled her own path, making her own footsteps, and Emmett usually followed. Edward usually traveled the worn and worried path, while Carlisle and Esme stayed in their little space, not giving much mind to the outside world when they were at home. Jasper and I had always traveled from one of their journeys to the next. Edward understood us the best, as he did with everyone. His talent was remarkable. Much more convenient and trustworthy than my own.

That was another reason I was accepted oh so smoothly into their open arms. They relied on my gift, something so imperfect, so prone to flaws, so much, and they still didn't seem to understand that I didn't even know when to trust it and when not to. It was frightening, but expected.

There were many reasons for me to stay and lead my happy life that I had begun. And as many reasons as there were for me to stay, there was only one reason for me to chase after him. And that one reason, no matter how selfish or dangerous that reason might be, outweighed all the reasons for my staying. Jasper needed me. He was my first companion; he was the first one to stay with me and not try to get rid of me, like so many before him had tried to do.

He had needed me, and I had needed him. We were like two halves to the whole, cheesy, but true. I needed him just as much as he needed me. I had no idea where he was going, I wasn't paying any attention to any visions I might have gotten. I tried my best to keep a hold on memories we had had together, and I tried to not think about the situation at hand. I would deal with it when my mind could fully comprehend and accept what had happened. I just couldn't believe he had been able to say goodbye so easily.

For once, I was thankful to be alone. I always turned to Jasper when I needed support, or someone to talk to. Edward was a very good help, but he just knew too much. Emmett and Rosalie were too absorbed in each other to genuinely care about others feelings too much, and Carlisle treated me too much like a patient. And he wasn't even a therapist. Esme was… she was wonderful, but sometimes it seemed like our problems were hers and she just had a tendency to care too deeply. And right now… right now I just needed to be alone.

I know that was most likely the worst thing I could do for myself, but I had to think things through.

Such as, what was I going to do now? I had a few options open to me. I could go after him, and follow him as best as I could until I caught up with him. And when I did catch up with him I would talk to him about never leaving me again, no matter the reasons. Second, I could simply accept the fact that he just needed some time alone and that he would come back to me in time. He just needed to sort things out on his own.

Then there was the third option. The option that I considered for less than a second before I made up my mind. I could accept that he honestly did not want to be around me anymore, and I would just have to move on. But I would never, I _could_ never do that. Not with Jasper. He was my life. That option was out of the question before there ever was a question.

I would wait a while. Wait for him to see what a stupid mistake this was, and give him a chance to come back. Then, then I would go after him and convince him that he would be fine, and that there would be no more problems. I would tell him, once I found him, that everything would work out, and that he needn't worry about anything else. I would even move out with him for as long as he wanted. Yes, I would keep in touch with our family, and I would miss them, but I would be there for Jasper first and foremost. I would do whatever he asked of me, if only I could have him back.

Maybe I was acting desperately. But that old saying I never bothered to remember told me that love was irrational. While people may have told me all I needed to do was call him, I knew all too well that he had left his cell phone downstairs, plugged into the charger. He was smart. He knew the only way to truly get away was to leave no way for me to contact him.

But in some aspect, he had to have known that I would be able to find him, even if I had to get Edward to help me. Edward would do anything for this family, though I'm sure now he would be limited because of Bella. That didn't matter though. Just so long as he would help me somewhat. I could handle this on my own. Either way, Edward's help or not, I would have to convince Jasper to come back alone. I could do it, that much I was certain of. I just didn't know when I would do it.

I would give him a week. One week. Seven days. That was all. And if he didn't come back, I would go out and search for him every minute I could. I would pass hunting to look for him. He was my life, and if he thought he could just leave me like he had done, he had another thing coming.

**Please please please review. **


	4. Chapter 4

Day One

It was already unbearable. I had made the decision to give him one week less than an hour ago and already I found myself pacing my room. That became too small a space for me, so I made my loop up and down the hallway, and it eventually became the entire house. I was walking at human speed, and I saw everyone look up from what they were doing to look at me.

If they knew what to say, or if they should say anything, they didn't. Which was probably better. They probably knew that saying, "Everything will be just fine," would set me off and the house would be in danger. They also knew that if any of them were ever left by any one of their mates they wouldn't know what to do.

They probably wouldn't pace, they'd do something more productive, but I couldn't do anything. Rosalie had wanted a new wardrobe, but I couldn't do that in my current state of mind. I didn't know what would happen to those poor outfits. They might all turn out black, or something depressing. I might even buy her one too many skirts. I couldn't do that, it was just rude.

And Esme had touched my shoulder a couple of times, but I figured that was due to her motherly instincts. I liked thinking that it pained her to see me like this. Not only was I just pacing, but I also looked not well. I hadn't done anything with my hair, and it was now just hanging, straight and boring, flattening me and my mood, my clothes hadn't been changed since he left, and there was dirt under my nails, though I had no idea how it got there.

After a while I started to see my footprints leaving marks in the carpet. Everywhere I took a step the fibers had an outline, showing where I last put my foot and where I would put it once again. I lost count as to how many times I had paced. Then Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward started to move from where they were. I didn't look up, but the predawn light told me they were most likely getting ready for school. It was Monday. He had left Sunday. I had been pacing since six pm.

It was a quiet morning. Usually Rosalie and I were running around saying "five more minutes!" or something along those lines to get ready. The boys would then just shake their heads and chuckle. There was no chuckling today. Everyone seemed to move slowly, and move around me. They muttered some things, but I wasn't paying attention.

I still couldn't believe that he was gone. I couldn't believe he would just leave after something like that. He'd done it before, at least twice, and Bella understood completely. And Edward or Emmett, and even sometimes both, were always there for him. I was there for him as well. I just wasn't strong enough to do anything to prevent him from doing anything. It made me feel helpless. But I always held my hand out to him when something like that happened, I always helped him back up from falling.

_I found him in the forest, just as I had seen him. He was on his knees, almost curled up in a ball. I'm sure that if he could, he would have been crying. He had forgotten his hold on his power and his emotions were tainting the air around him. I stood at the clearing for a while, just looking at him, his back facing me. I couldn't help but smile. Even broken like this, he was beautiful._

_It was raining, and his hair was sticking to his face, as was mine. But I could care less. He looked absolutely stunning in the rain. Not even his red eyes could distract me from his beauty. _

_Carlisle had told me that I should think of how much I loved him and adored him when I went to find him, especially after this. We had been with the Cullen's for forty years, and Jasper had slipped up a few times before, but then it was usually only one human. Today he had killed three. He must have felt bad, not being able to control himself. So Carlisle said that if I focused on how much I loved him he would feel that, and he'd take my hand once more._

_As he looked at me my hand rested on his cheek, a smile on my lips. He looked devastated, like he didn't deserve me. I held my free hand out, waiting for him to take it. It was our ritual. He would do something like this, an entirely forgivable act, and I would find him, offer my hand, and we'd work together to have it not happen again._

_He put his hand in mine and I closed my fingers around his hand and gently squeezed. He did the same. My smile got bigger, and a small smile started on his lips, something that rarely happened. I took my hand off his cheek and started heading home, his hand still in mine._

We had been through worse, and he always took my hand, so what was so different about this time? Could it be because he knew Bella? He knew what she liked, and what she didn't like, she had feelings that everyone had, she actually lived? Was it because he knew that she had a personality, and he didn't see her as just another meal? Or was it because whenever she and Edward were in the same room as him he could feel their love?

Whatever the reason, I knew, and he knew, that we had been through worse. He knew we could work this out, but why did he leave? He knew he didn't have to. Bella wasn't mad at him, and he, of all people, should have known that. And yes, he said that it hurt him every time he realized that he could end Edward's happiness, but he should have known that he wouldn't.

I didn't care about his reasons, and maybe that was selfish of me, but he wasn't exactly considering my feelings. He could have asked me to go with him. He should have known that I wouldn't be happy without him. He had once said that I was so happy with the Cullen's, and he would never want to disrupt that. And I remember I had told him that I could only be that happy as long as he was there. But at this point he probably wasn't thinking too much about me.

I wasn't keeping track of the time, but I was still shocked when I felt someone's hands on my shoulders. They stopped me in my tracks, not allowing me to go any further. Edward was standing in front of me, so I figured it was Emmett's hands on my shoulders. I didn't look up to meet their gaze, which I could feel on my face. Instead I opted for looking at the floor.

"Alice, have you paid attention to any vision's you've had today?" Edward asked. His voice wasn't nice and caring as it usually was; instead it was cold, and hard. What he said made me look up though. I looked at him blankly, and he shook his head. "Apparently not. But that is not the point. You need to just relax," he said, looking me directly in the eyes. It kind of intimidated me.

I crossed my arms. I was thinking that there was no way on earth that he could get me to stop doing what I wanted to do, and he sighed. Then he nodded, and that made me question what he was doing. He turned his back and started walking upstairs. Then Emmett picked me up and followed Edward.

I didn't do anything. Honestly, I didn't really care what they were doing. If anything they were helping me out. They were leading me to day two.

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	5. Chapter 5

"Alice, Esme is ready to take you shopping," Edward said. That caught some of my attention. Esme only shopped when it was for something that didn't benefit her directly, only when it benefited the family. She had take Rosalie shopping after Emmett totaled her car, and after she literally tore the house apart. Esme didn't shop, and that's what was so important about this statement. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Let her take me shopping, it might make time go a little faster," I said monotonously. I was sitting on the couch in Edward's room, looking at the richly colored carpet. I closed my eyes slowly, and then opened them. I didn't think of it as blinking, because it was far too slow to even have a nod in the blinking category.

"That isn't the point, Alice," he said, anger rising in his voice. I looked up at him. "You know what the point is. Esme almost never gets involved with us like that unless she's worried about our emotional status," he said. Emmett left as soon as I was put in the spot I was currently in.

"Edward, you have absolutely no right to say anything about being emotionally stable. Bella's never left you without so much of a whisper as to why. You've never had to sit by a phone, hoping endlessly for it to ring just so you can hear his voice, telling you he's alright and he's coming home, and that he made a mistake by leaving. You, Edward, have no room to say a word about this," I said angrily. I had stood up as to make my point seem more important, and I had no idea if it would work or not.

"You're right, but you haven't been paying attention. Esme is worried, Carlisle hasn't gone to work, I haven't gone to school. Everyone is worried about you, but Rosalie and Emmett are not going to show it because it's in their personalities not to. But Alice, you need to stop moping around and pay attention to everything. I've seen your visions. You would not be like this were you paying attention to those," he said. I tried thinking back to the past few days, but I couldn't remember ever getting a vision. Of any kind. At any time. Edward sighed.

"He's in the South," he said, barely audible to me. I looked at him in confusion, begging him to go on. I was practically living on what he was going to say next. "Jasper. He's in the South, thinking about what to do next, most likely." I wanted to say something, anything, but I couldn't think of anything to say. I couldn't remember getting that vision, and I would think that I would remember that vision, because it would have given me a look at him.

"Go," Edward said simply. I still couldn't move. I didn't know why I hadn't seen that vision. "That's why I was telling you to pay attention. I packed your bags, just go," he said. I nodded, accepting the fact that I missed a vision, but loving the new information I had. I didn't know where in the South Jasper might be, but hopefully I could get to him before he did anything rash. I needed to get to him, no matter what. I walked to my room, seeing the suitcase on the floor. I picked it up and went to the garage. I took Edward's car; he could go to school with Rosalie.

Driving had always helped calm me down; it had always helped me organize my thoughts. I always needed that before, but now I wished I didn't have to drive. I could barely form a plan in my mind. I didn't know where to go after my first destination. I hoped he would be at the first one. When Edward had told me South, I immediately thought of the small part of beach that was isolated just for him. He had a house built there just for the two of us. I hoped he would go there.

It was extremely far away from civilization. No one would be there for him to slip up on, and there was also nothing for him to feed on. I found my foot pressing harder on the gas pedal. I smiled though, for two reasons. I knew I was going to see Jasper soon, and I remembered when he first took me to the house.

"_Please? I just want you to close your eyes," he said, excitement in his voice. His hand was covering my eyes and I had promised him I wouldn't look. The thing under my feet went from pavement to sand, and I stopped in my tracks. Jasper put his hand on my back and led me forward. _

_Soon after that he stopped our progress and removed his hand from my eyes. I opened them, looking at the small house overlooking the ocean. The sun was shining down on it, showing how new it was. I looked from it to him constantly, questioning him with my eyes._

"_I asked Esme if she would. I thought a little place of our own would be nice. A place that isn't constantly hiding from the sun," he said. I smiled, nodding in understanding. _

"_It's beautiful," I managed to say. My smile didn't seem to be able to leave my face as I looked from him to the house. I made my way towards it slowly. It was so strange to be in the sun and not have to worry about other people seeing, and seeing Jasper in the sun was as amazing as ever. I had only seen him in it a few times._

_The inside was quaint, small chairs, a sofa. There were no electronics, not even a place to plug anything in. I could truly tell that Esme made it especially for what we liked and us. _

It was happier then. We didn't have to deal with the scent of a human in our own house then. We didn't have to deal with any humans outside of school. And everyone knew that Jasper could barely handle that as it was. And we tried, we did. Every time we knew Bella was going to be over Jasper and I left. But when Edward said he wanted Bella to meet everyone, formally, Jasper took a great dislike for Edward.

Edward said he trusted Jasper, and he did. Everyone knew that because he let Jasper stay in the same room as Bella when he wasn't there. Edward wanted to strengthen Jasper's self-control, that's why we left that day. The first time it had happened though, on Bella's birthday, Edward couldn't stand the thought of Bella's life being put in danger because of his brother. So he ran, and he took us with him. I was mad, partly because I knew Jasper could control himself, despite what happened, and partly because I loved Bella, and I didn't want to leave her.

But we left. Then we came back, and it happened again. Only that time it was entirely Edward's fault. He should have known better than to have left Bella in the same room with an open cut while he went to go get supplies to fix her. He wasn't thinking, I suppose. But nonetheless, it was his fault. And this last time… it was partly my fault, but I couldn't think about that. I wanted him back too much. I knew what I would do when I did see him. I would apologize profusely, and I would swear that it would never happen again.

I knew that he felt horrible for doing this, not just this time, but also every time before, and I knew that if I offered him my hand again, and he took it, we would get through this, just like every other time. I would even be willing to take a break from the Cullen's, so to speak. We could stay at the house in Texas, or we could even go to Esme's island. Maybe we would go visit Tanya and her family in Alaska, or even see if we could find Peter and Charlotte. I didn't like them too much, Charlotte never did take a liking to me, but if it made Jasper happy, I would do it. Just so long as I could have him back.

And if I couldn't have him back, if he didn't want to be with me because he didn't think he deserved me, I would see if I could convince him how beautiful he was to me, and how much he meant to me. I would try to have him go back home with me, back to Carlisle and Esme. I wouldn't use blackmail against him, I would be nicer than that. I would try to convince him he was wonderful, and that he deserved everything he had. I couldn't say I wouldn't take no for an answer, but I could try.

A few hours later, I found myself walking, or rather running, towards our house on the beach. I hoped desperately for him to be there, and I wanted to look ahead, but I didn't want it to be in vain, so I just let myself be somewhat normal. I didn't want any of this to be dramatic, but I had to stop outside the door. One of two things could happen when I walked around the house that stood before me. One, Jasper could be there, wallowing in self-pity, and I could help him out of it, and two, he wouldn't be there and I would have to follow a wild, cold trail again.

I wanted the first option to be the one that was going to happen.

I wished for it as I opened the door.

I could smell the dust as soon as it opened. It was musty, and it had a cinnamon tint to it. Usually, when I went to a place that no one had been to in a while the dust wasn't as strong, which meant that someone had been here recently. That made me slightly happier. I walked around the house, and Jasper wasn't there. All I found was a note with his handwriting.

_Alice,_

_If I know you, you're alone and you want me to go back with you. Right now, I just need time to think. About what, I'm still trying to figure that out, darlin'. So I figure that if you're going to follow me, I might as well make a game out of it. So here's your first clue: 1863. _

_I love you, and I know you'll be able to figure this out quickly, so we'll be seeing you._

_Love always,_

_Jazz_

_PS – I'll go back with you, no need to worry._

**I found inspiration. Now if you really want me to continue this story, I suggest ya'll reveiw. And yes, I am from the south, I am entitled to say ya'll in daily conversation. So :D. Pwease?**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

1863. I knew I knew it, and when I figured it out, I was angry with myself for taking so long to remember it. It was the year when Jasper was turned, and I knew exactly why it was a clue. He was turned that year, obviously, and it was in this state. I never questioned where, but I figured it was somewhere near San Antonio. I made my way back to the car. Clouds were rolling in and I knew that a storm was coming, and I was actually happy about that for once. I was usually so elated to see the sun, but I always had Jasper when I saw the sun. It was gloomier without him, so the weather was actually very fitting.

I kept rereading the note. I knew what he meant by game. He was going to give me clues as to where he was going, and I didn't know, nor did I want to know, where it would end at. I knew that it would last a while, as did all things with Jasper, and in a masochistic way, I was looking forward to it. The drive from the beach to San Antonio would take God knows how long and I decided that I would need music, so I hit play, thinking that Edward might have some good music in his CD player, but there was no such luck. I sighed, shaking my head and turned the radio on.

They talked about the weather, they talked about the traffic, and they talked about everything under the clouds before they played music. It was not what I would call good, but it was better than what Edward had. I had the thought, originally, that the music or the sound distraction would make the traveling time go by faster, but if anything it only made it go by slower. I put the volume to zero and just drove. I didn't think about anything, just why Jasper wanted to do this. He said he just needed time to think, but he also wanted to play a game. I loved him, but sometimes he didn't make much sense to me. Like with our marriage.

"_I see no reason for the two of us to get married. We're happy with each other, is that not enough?" he asked, yet again. I had wanted to get married, much like Rosalie and Emmett, but Jasper had refused the idea with all his might. I didn't even know why I wanted to get married. It was such a human tradition, and for my not remembering any of my human life, it was a little rash, but Carlisle and Esme had gotten married, so why couldn't we?_

"_It is enough Jazz. I would just like to say that we got married. We're already being abnormal vampires; why not just add to it?" I argued back. Every time we had this talk it hurt, I'll be the first to admit it. It hurt, not because he didn't want to get married, but because he couldn't seem to see that I wanted to get married to have just one regular human like thing in my life. I didn't remember eating food, or the feeling of being full without the growing and ever present itch before the next meal. _

_I didn't remember what it was like to sleep, or dream. All these things I could never remember about being a human, all these things I wanted to know about and have experienced, and here was one thing I _could_ experience and he was objecting to it. It hurt because of that, not anything else. I understood him completely, I understood how hard it was for him, and I just wanted him to understand this one thing for me, but he couldn't. _

"_You are angry," he said simply. I never grew angry with Jasper. That was a fact. And there was pain in his voice every time he sensed even the smallest amount of anger in my emotions. I walked over to him and put my arms around his waist. _

"_Jasper, I'm not mad at you. I'm just… sad. This one thing I can do to have a human memory, theoretically speaking, and you don't want to do it. It just hurts is all," I said. His hands found my shoulders and pulled me back so he could look at my face. _

"_If you want, Alice, we can get married. Just name the date and do not make such a big deal out of it," he said. I searched his eyes for any lost or hidden fear, or regret of saying the words. I wanted him to do this because he wanted to, not because of my selfishness for wanting to have a whisper of a human like memory. I couldn't sense anything but care coming from him. I smiled._

"_Thank you," I said lightly. Being a female, I had to tell everyone I knew immediately, so I called out to Rosalie and Esme immediately and he rolled his eyes. I just smiled at him before I turned and ran down to the kitchen to tell Esme. Rosalie could eavesdrop as she always did, I didn't care at the moment._

I twirled the ring on my finger. It was simple. It was the simplest thing I owned, and yet it was my favorite possession. It only had one diamond, barely even a karat, and it was a silver band. I had always thought that gold was overrated, and so I requested silver. Jasper only laughed at that request, but followed it nonetheless.

Once I got to San Antonio I had no idea as to where to go. I could try various places, but I had no idea as to what was in the city. There was an Air Force base, but that was all I knew, and that was only because of the signs. I asked around. People said there was the haunted house, and others said Ripley's Believe It Or Not! I asked for directions, thinking it would be hilarious if he had left a note in the vampire room of the haunted house.

It wasn't anything to speak about, nothing exciting, but there was no note. I stood outside looking around, completely lost. I took to staring at the building across the street when I decided to look there. Inside there were a few displays. One was of a cot on which a soldier from the time of the Alamo would sleep, and on it was a folded paper. I could see the indentations of Jasper's handwriting. I looked around slowly before ducking under the chain and grabbing it.

I walked out as if I were just looking around. I sat at one of the benches and looked at the note, surprised at its content.

_Alice,_

_You looked beautiful at the house, I must say. Yes, I was there. You're reading this, therefore you understood the last note. I knew you would. _

_I've figured out what I was to be thinking about. I'm not going to bother you with it though. It's nothing to worry you about. You may be thinking, "If he has it figured out, why does he still want to be alone?" and the answer is simple. I've figured it out, but I still need to mull over it. I love you._

_Your next clue: a clean slate. _

_Love always,_

_Jasper_

A clean slate, more cryptic than the last one. More cryptic by far. I didn't like it. I didn't mind thinking my way through things, but this made me mad because it was Jasper, and he was messing with me. He wanted me to think my way to him. He loved me, this I never doubted. I knew he would love me no matter what. What I didn't know was why he was doing this.

I walked back to the parking garage thinking about what a clean slate could possibly mean. So far his clues had only related to him, and I was fine with that, but the only clean slate in his history was when we met in Philadelphia. Other than that I couldn't think of anything. I got to the car rather quickly and there was a piece of paper on the windshield.

"Oh you've got to be kidding me," I said ripping the paper from the windshield. I got in the car. "Edward's going to kill me," I said, shaking my head and unfolding the paper. I was expecting it to be a ticket of some sort, and Jasper's handwriting confused me. I couldn't help but smile. He was staying in the same place for a while, making sure I got his clues, no doubt.

_Alice, _

_You really should check to make sure that the door is locked before you go off on an adventure. Anyone could have taken Edward's car. He would be very mad then, wouldn't he?_

_Nonetheless, I'm sure Philadelphia slipped into your mind after you mulled over a clean slate for a while. Trust me, I'm planning on keeping us in the south for a while. _

_Love always,_

_Jasper_

My phone rang. Carlisle made me take one just so he could keep in contact with me at all times. I answered it, not looking at speed dial.

"How long are you going to be gone?" I heard Rosalie say.

"I don't know, Rosalie, why?" I asked. I hadn't been expecting her voice, but it was nice hearing from her all the same.

"Emmett asked me to marry him again," she said. She was happy, this much I could tell from her voice. She was absolutely ecstatic.

"Congratulations," I said happily. This is when she would ask me to design her new dress and plan everything, so I answered before she asked.

"I'll start designing your dress later today. I have to check into a hotel anyway," I said, waving a hand mindlessly.

"Okay, thank you!" she said. "Have you seen Jasper yet?" she asked, her tone taking a different turn. It surprised me.

"You can tell Edward and Carlisle that I have everything under control, Rosalie. I'll call you when I make any more progress," I said, a smile crossing my face again. I hung up before she could say anything else and went to find a hotel.

**My hits went up by one thousand. I got only one, I believe it was, review. To tell you the truth honestly, I do not like it when people read stuff and don't review. I don't leave reviews because I can't have that window pop up on my computer, but I'm going to redownload firefox to get it to do that. Even then though, I left a Private Message to say something about the story. Anyway, if you are authors, you know how disheartening it is when you don't get reviews. You work long and hard on stories and get no feedback. I think that's why I totally just stopped this story in the first place, and I'm going to do it again if I don't start getting reviews. That's all I ahve to say, so, sad author, party of one, signing off.**


	7. Chapter 7

Clean slates were hard to think of, especially since we were staying in the South. I was half-tempted to call Edward, tell him what was going on and see if he could possibly help, but so far I had kept it to myself, and Edward would probably hinder more than he would help.

Thankfully there was a storm on its way to Mississippi, where I currently resided in hotels and the car, so I didn't have to worry much about being outside and having Aro send his most prized possessions after me. One week had passed since I found Jasper's last two notes, and I hadn't made any headway. I had decided to see how my sister's family was doing. Last I checked they were doing fine, but I expected her to be dead by now. Not the happiest thought in the world, but the most reasonable, something I rarely ever was.

Currently I was sitting outside the house, debating on what to do. The front door opened and two little girls ran out. One of them had black hair and reminded me of myself. She was the smaller of the two. I smiled, looking at her. She was dressed in Sunday best, a tradition that seemed to never want to leave the South. They were all raised the same: manners, church, ideals. It was charming.

Though it wasn't Sunday. And she wasn't running around with a smile on her face. A man, presumably their father, followed them slowly, not giving them warning not to run into the street. I sat there, waiting for the mother to come out, but she never did. I accepted the fact that death was a part of human life a long time ago, when I got my first vision of Jasper.

I had never experienced it before. No one in my life had ever died, I had never gone through the pain of having someone I knew and loved just not being there anymore, so I had no idea how they must have been feeling. But shouldn't they have been sad? Or did they not know? They all filed into the car in the garage. I know I shouldn't have, but I followed them.

They took me to a graveyard, and a familiar graveyard at that. I had been here before, to look at my own grave. I let them walk a few feet ahead of me, just so they wouldn't become suspicious, but girls of that age would only see me as a friend, not a danger. They made their way to a small group of people already assembled. I could hear the voices saying how that lady would be missed and how wonderful a person she was.

One of them said they thought it was sweet how the whole family would be buried together. I thought absentmindedly about how I was part of the family and yet I was buried on the other side of the park. There was an elderly lady there who looked up. Our gazes met but I went my own way, to my own grave. I didn't belong there, I never would have.

The grass became unkept with every step that I took. The weeds became more abundant, the gravestones because more scrunched. I took the familiar route to the back row of stones. The rejects corner, as Rosalie had put it once. Having seen the nicer side of things, I believed it now.

And even in this corner where the grass was unkept because of the lack of visitors and the gravestones were small because the families didn't care, my own stood out so well among the others. It was the smallest, and only had the dates and my name written on it. There was nothing special about it among these already non-special graves. Except for today.

Flowers rarely ever came this way. And these flowers were seemingly new, all my favorites. Walking there at normal pace I could smell the honeysuckle surrounding it. A smile came to my face as I saw the lilies, and the note that was attached to the grave. The irony continued to grow as my smile got larger with every step I took towards the grave.

The note was written on simple lined paper, which told me that he had gone shopping. At least he had more faith in himself now. I started thinking that that was why he was doing all this, to gain more faith in himself, to be forced to do things on his own. If that was the case, then I felt bad about following him, but I couldn't live without him, and he knew that, so he humored me. And so I read the letter.

_Alice,_

_I'm not sure how you came across this, seeing as you seemed to have trouble with that last concept. But nonetheless you found me, or rather my note. I'm guessing that the circumstances you came here under were unforeseeable, and that fits well with my plan. But unfortunately, my plans to stay in the South are being cut short. Certain acquaintances have found out through correspondences with their allies that I have found my way to the South again. So this next clue will be easy, but I had a point with bringing you here, and there are two more letters in this state, so before you rush off to the place where you got your new beginning to this life, please search for those missing two letters. _

_With the deepest of love and care,_

_Jasper_

Of course he would rush off while I'm stuck here playing hide and seek with pieces of paper. Though now that I understood his prior note I could easily guess where the other two notes were. I sat down though, right in front of my grave. I looked at the letters haphazardly carved into the stone, obviously a last minute job for someone who didn't matter.

Nevertheless I traced my name with my finger slowly.

_Mary Alice Brandon_

_Born 1901_

_Died 1918_

I had always known that they though I died when I was put in the asylum, but I'd never realized how young I was. Barely seventeen. The last two years of my life had been spent in some closed off room with no windows and a door that only ever opened once a week, and that was to put me through electroshock therapy to see if they couldn't snap me out of those things I was suffering from. Who knew that those things that had once put me away from the world would bring me into the heart of that world.

I felt sprinkles of rain start falling on my head and got up to leave. I looked at my gravestone one last time and then left. I had figured out where one of his letters were at that moment, and I liked having a destination in mind. Yes, it was a ways out of town, but if I knew Jasper, this would be good for me. Good for me in the sense of having a full sense of closure without having to sneak in to that place for that closure.

I would need gas.

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	8. Chapter 8

I looked at the building I had been to once before. It had never been glorious to me. Faded white concrete with years and years of rainwater showing through. I thought it would have been closed down by now, but it only seemed to be as busy as ever. The roundabout in front of the building was currently filled with a small van and another car, some run down older version of an Oldsmobile. The grass was dying and the trees were dead.

I thought I would have felt something, but I really only looked at it criticizing everything was that was wrong with it. It obviously needed a paint job, and they needed someone to either put fake grass or just replant it. And the trees needed to be removed and replaced. But I supposed that they had minimal funding and couldn't afford to do any of that.

Nevertheless, I knew I had to ask around, see what happened to that young girl with the short black hair. I doubted anyone knew anything about it, seeing as it was almost one hundred years ago. The only people who might remember it would either be elderly and almost clinically insane, or maybe a young girl or boy who was now in their last years.

I opened the door, flinching at how loud the squeak it made was. I looked around to see people staring at me, but I slipped in and let the door close on its own, flinching again as it made a rather loud, echoing noise. I smoothed out the small wrinkles on my shirt and walked to the front desk, where I could practically see the bacteria swimming around. I smiled at the middle-aged man behind the desk, who radiated odors I didn't even want to think about, let alone smell. He smiled back and smoothed his hair back. I wanted to grimace, but stopped the urge.

"Welcome to Saint Mary's Institution of Well-Being, I'm Gerard. Is there any way I can help you?" he asked in a sickly sweet voice. Again I had the urge to grimace, but I pushed that back. Something told me this man had too much fun with the nurses who worked here, and that was thoroughly disgusting. I couldn't help but let a little giggle out at the name, and I quickly wondered if that had always been the name. The small sense of hilarious irony the world held in store for everyone.

"Yes, I'm here to see if I could possibly look through some files for an old family member. I go to the local college and our current assignment is to find information on our ancestors, and I traced one of my own to this… institution," I said in my persuasive voice. His smile disappeared and he tugged at the collar of his mess of a shirt. It had far too many wrinkles for someone who was, one assumed, sitting at a desk all day.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but those files are restricted to employee's only," he explained nervously. I sighed inwardly, knowing I would regret what I was about to do, but knowing I had to do it. I shook my head quickly and slightly, hoping no one noticed, and continued to smile.

"But surely there must be something I can do to see those files. You see, I'm almost done with college, and this is the last thing standing in my way. I'm desperate," I said in what I hoped was a hopeless and pathetic voice. He looked around as if he were being watched.

"I could get fired for this," he said in a whisper, and I nodded, knowing how important his _job_ was to him. "You have to swear to not tell a soul," he continued. I nodded quickly. "And most importantly, you have to tell your professor that you found this somewhere in your attic," he finished quickly. I nodded once more and he stood up. "Follow me," he said.

He led me down the hall with the flickering lights, and I couldn't help but think of some horror movie. He let out an exasperated sigh and held up his hand, telling me to wait a minute. He walked to the end of the hall, the one we had just passed through, and pushed a button. The intercom let out an echoing sound of Gerard's voice.

"Orderly to hall five, orderly to hall five please," he said, and then walked back to me. He openly smiled, and I openly grimaced at his yellow teeth. His smile faltered and I covered it with trying to sneeze. I think it was a fail at attempting to try to sneeze, but he responded by letting his smile return and saying, "Bless you. Anyway, some patient is messing with the lights again, thus the flickering lights," he said. He continued walking and I followed him. For these files having been so important and confidential, they were poorly protected, even more so than the last time I was here.

"They're organized by last name," he said, unlocking the door and then walking back to his desk. I let my face drop immediately and tried to not think of the lingering smell that he left behind. I opened the door and closed it behind me. The room was about as large as the living room at home, and it was filled with filing cabinets, and some were taller than me. Each one was numbered with the year followed by the first letter of the patient's last name.

It didn't take me long to find my own file. Compared to some of the others I had seen it wasn't too big, but it was big enough to write a small novel off of. Before I had only read how I had gotten there and who I was before, but they hadn't had too much information on that part of my past.

The whole point of my being here was to learn what they did that could have possibly made me not remember anything except the blackness that consumed my memory of my human life, and that was what Jasper wanted me to learn. Before he had spoken about how I would be able to move on from my past once I knew what had caused my memory to have been lost. I understood what he meant, but didn't understand how I was to move on from not being able to remember my human life.

_First day of Mary's arrival_

_Patient seems ordinary enough. Parent told us these fits of hers come and go, and can be rare. She has been known to injure herself and others while having had these fits. Isolation is seeming to be the only true course with this case. We'll keep her under constant surveillance, and when we witness one of her fits ourselves we will plan on a more permanent route of action._

_Mary had her first fit only hours after arriving. Her violence isn't too harmful, seeing as her body is frail. She has hardly any muscle or fat, and it seems that nature will her body to be so. She told one of the orderlies that she should be more careful when making her rounds, and so we are putting Mary in a more secure room. More to come._

_Second day_

_Susan was attacked by one of our patients last night while doing bed checks. Mary heard of this and told us we should have listened to her. It seems her mother was right about her daughter having been able to see what was to come. We start electrotherapy in two days._

_Fourth day_

_She seemed to know about the therapy, telling us it wouldn't work and that we shouldn't try. We did it nevertheless, but it didn't do any good. Usually we see some immediate results, but with this patient there was nothing. The entire time she did scream, which we were not expecting. No one else before her had made a noise. After that she said she would do everything in her power to get out of this place. Currently in her room with two guards outside. _

After that it skipped a few weeks. They all followed the same routine, basically. They said I wasn't responding to the treatments, so they were going to let it have more power. The days started becoming numberless and instead it would only start with indentation. I scanned them all before I found a small note.

_Alice,_

_A bit monotonous, no? More power, more security. You didn't go out without a fight. I know you are now skimming through these, just seeing the words as words, but now would be the time to start paying attention. With that I leave you alone to your own thoughts._

_Jasper_

Of course he had gone through this file already. Why wouldn't he have? Nevertheless I took his advice and started to pay attention to the day which was indented on the current page.

_Patient has started to show signs of minor memory loss. The other day she questioned as to how she had gotten here, and we told her a fabricated story. She accepted it easily, and she also continued to ask if she had any family, and why her family didn't want her anymore. We didn't know how to answer that. Instead we continued her treatment._

_Screaming during treatment has gotten worse, and she keeps losing her memory. She no longer knows where she is, and forgets immediately after being informed. She's convinced that someone will steal her away from this place. Her fits have only been increasing since the beginning of the treatments. We will continue on the hope of everything gets worse before it gets better._

_Having to keep patient in a jacket without ease now. She has more fits now, and has become a larger danger to herself. We stopped the treatments one week ago, and nothing has ceased. It appears the damage has already been done. She says few words now, and they are always the same. "Soon. He will rescue me soon enough." That is all the interns who give her food (which she does not eat) can hear. Her hair has grown back quickly, more so than the others._

_Final Entry on Mary Alice Brandon_

_We tried everything we could think of to help her. Someone did take her, just as she said would happen. We do not know where she could be, but we now pronounce her dead. She was nineteen years old._

That explained why I didn't have a memory, at least. But it didn't explain where his next note could be. And he didn't leave any hints. This was going to be a bit frustrating. I closed the file, putting it in my purse and closing the filing cabinet. I turned to exit the room, but the door was already opening.

**Yo. People who read this, review. Seriously. Its disheartening. I'm in dire need of a pick me up right now, and you all know how to do that. **


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